The record for telling the shortest jokes in the world should probably go to England’s George Valentine. He’s written over 110,000 jokes over the years. Some for comedians, some for fun, and he holds the unofficial record for for rattling off the most jokes in two minutes. (He managed 121.) Now we didn’t say these jokes were good (in fact they’re kind of bad), just that were short.
Most of his one-liners are more witticisms like “Trees branch out” than they are actual jokes.
The short, clean jokes below are for adults, but most are kid-friendly so they’re perfect for throwing in cards or peppering into your Instagram captions. Or for telling at a party when you need an icebreaker and for some reason “hi” won’t do it.
Short Jokes for Adults and Kids
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
- What’s warm and slippery? A slipper.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
- Origami’s secrets? Twofold.
- An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says: “Is this a joke?”
- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
- Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
- A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he’d like. “Anything but a Canadian Club.”
- Why don’t hedgehogs just share the hedge?
- The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas.
- What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
- A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a Scotch… and soda.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”
- I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
- Why can’t male ants sink? They’re buoy-ant.
- Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
- How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
- What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”
- You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
- Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet? It’s made with hole milk.
- What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer? The space bar.
- What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
- What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
- What’s a private investigator’s favorite shoe? Sneak-ers.
- What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
- What falls in winter but never gets hurt? Snow.
- Why did the nurse need a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood.
- Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
- How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
- What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone? Snapchat.
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
- Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
- Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
- When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
- Why shouldn’t you eat clowns? They taste funny.
- What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school? Hiss-tory.
- How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
- What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!
- What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
- What’s grey and can’t climb trees? A carpark
- How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored tools.
- There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
- What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
- What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
- What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
- What has three letters and starts with gas? A car.
- Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
- What board game does the sky love to play? Twister.
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
- What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
- Why do barbers make good drivers? They know a lot of short cuts.
- As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
- What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down? He keeps a log.
- What do you call a cow with bad manners? Beef jerky.
- What do you call an old snowman? A glass of water.
- Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s faster than walking.
- Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
- I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
Funny Short Pun Jokes
- Camping is intense.
- When chemists die, we barium.
- Why should you avoid artists? They tend to be sketchy.
- What does a house wear? A dress.
- Decimals have a point.
- What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
- Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It had a bad fall.
- How do you throw a space party? You planet.
- A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
- Why did the sauna go to the doctor? It wasn’t feeling so hot.
- When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
- What kind of shoes do frogs love? Open-toad.
- When is a pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
- What kind of witch goes to the beach? A sandwich.
Founder + Editor-in-Chief at Let's Eat Cake
Pleased to meet you. I'm the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Let's Eat Cake: The world's first smart, funny lifestyle site for women.
I've written or worked for a wide range of lifestyle sites and magazines, including Billboard, Nylon, Parade, Men's Journal, Us Weekly, Stuff, Blender, Beachbody, Alternative Press, Electronic Gaming Monthly, and more. See more on my LinkedIn.
On the baking side of things, I've run my own baking company and competed on Cupcake Wars, so hit me up with your baking questions! I respond fastest on Instagram where you can find me @letseatcakeblog
Want to know more? Here's my full bio.
I've written or worked for a wide range of lifestyle sites and magazines, including Billboard, Nylon, Parade, Men's Journal, Us Weekly, Stuff, Blender, Beachbody, Alternative Press, Electronic Gaming Monthly, and more. See more on my LinkedIn.
On the baking side of things, I've run my own baking company and competed on Cupcake Wars, so hit me up with your baking questions! I respond fastest on Instagram where you can find me @letseatcakeblog
Want to know more? Here's my full bio.
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